Sometimes the best part of an emergency response is the commentary en route or the critique when all is done. There is something special about the cab of an ambulance — it’s our own little world where we can vent, be honest or simply crack each other up.
Usually, what is said in the ambulance stays in the ambulance, but every now and then some things just need to be shared.
1. Overheard in the back of Rescue 1, during a clean-up.
“Pi#$ isn’t too bad.”
“Puke is the worst.”
“Nah, s@#!'s worse than puke, any day.”
“Blood is easy, it doesn’t stink.”
“That’s why pi#$ isn’t bad, easy clean-up.”
“Old piss is pretty bad.”
“New s@#! is worse than old s@#!.”
“It’s still runny.”
“Speaking of runny, snot’s pretty bad.”
“Yeah but you hardly ever wear it. “
“Yeah, puke wins that one.”
“But s@#!'s still the worst.”
“Yup. pi#$ is my favorite. Definitely.”
“I guess.”
2. Overheard in the front of Rescue 1. Very late at night.
“I wonder why we never get sick.”
“Because we already are sick. There’s only so much sickness to go around.”
“Yeah, but we’re surrounded with sick people all the time. We touch them, breathe their air and all that, you would think we would get sick more often.”
“You think too much.”
“And why do we carry people with back pain down three flights of stairs when our backs are worse that theirs?”
“Because we can.”
“So can they.”
“The difference is, they know WE can.”
“But we know THEY can.”
“You think too much.”
“I guess.”
3. Overheard in the cab of Rescue 1 enroute to “man down.”
“We’re Cavemen, you know.”
(From officer’s seat, fiddling with the radio) “How so?”
“The station is like our cave. It’s dark, dreary and ugly.”
“A man-cave.”
“Right. Instead of wall paintings we have a big screen TV. Every now and then an emergency happens, we pile on our skins and forage into the wilderness to protect the women.”
“Some of us are women.”
“Right, there have always been strong women.”
“Right. Remember Raquel Welch from 1,000,000 years BC?”
“Who?”
(Looks incredulously over at his man-boy driver) “Never mind.”
“Anyway, when we get hungry we leave the cave to hunt for meat.”
“The supermarket isn’t exactly hunting.”
“It is when you’re looking for a deal.”
“I guess.”
“Then, we gather around the fire and eat.”
“You do look like a bunch of Neanderthals at the table.”
“Exactly. Cavemen.”
“Right. (Keys the mike as driver stops the rescue in front of the “emergency.”) “Rescue 1 on scene.”
The cavemen load up their weapons and forage into the wilderness, looking for their victim.
4. Overheard on the Street:
Police officer: “Hey, were you guys there that day when that girl flashed us?”
Firefighter 1: “Which girl?”
Firefighter2: “What day?”
Firefighter 3: “There have been so many, we forget.”
The police officer walks back to his cruiser, shaking his head.
Police Officer: “I think I took the wrong test.”
5. Overheard in the Cab of Rescue 1 after clearing Hasbro Children’s Hospital:
“She was hot.”
“She’s fifteen, you pervert.”
“Not her you idiot, her mother.”
“Her mother is old enough to be your daughter.”
“That means I’m old enough to be her mothers father.”
“Right.”
“She’s still hot.”
“And you’re still old.”
“Right.”
“Rescue 1 in service.”
6. Overheard in Rescue 1 after a visit to the Coffee Exchange where the crew was completely ignored by the college girls behind the counter.
Lt: “I don’t get it. They don’t give us the time of day. It wouldn’t kill them to be nice to us. Jeez, girls aren’t like they used to be. Why can’t they even crack a smile?”
Ryan: “Because I’m fat and you’re 50.”
Lt: “Oh, that. Carry on then.”
7. Overheard at the ER
The ER was a madhouse, drunken street people, drunken college kids, drunken housewives, and drunken fools. Minor injuries, a few legitimate traumas, some sick old folks and a bunch of people vomiting. The wait was hours. In the middle of it all was a twenty something year old inmate from the ACI and two correctional officers.
The prisoner had a minor injury to his throat from an altercation and had been waiting for a long time. As I walked past them I overheard the inmate ask his guards, “Can I go back to my cell? Anywhere is better than here.”
