By Sean Eddy
Being that I work in both the field and dispatch, I have a unique view from both sides of the radio.
Some days I’m the ignorant jerk paramedic who thinks that dispatchers are nothing but robots with no capability of independent thought, and sometimes I’m the mindless drone who plots evil plans to ensure that the ignorant paramedics get off work late as much as possible.
Being that I already picked on the dispatchers, I felt it would be appropriate to take a seat on the other side of the radio and talk about types of paramedics that we encounter as dispatchers.
So, here are the seven types of paramedics (from a dispatcher’s perspective):
1) Mr. Obvious
This is the group that either informs dispatch of ridiculously obvious things or asks questions when the answer is ridiculously obvious. For example, when being dispatched to a call outside of their immediate district, they may come over and say something like “Be advised, we‘re responding from Post 11”. On the flip side, they can also ask something really obvious like, “Confirming we have a call?”
2) The Field Dispatcher
This group possesses a rather special talent. They have the ability to manage unit hours, coordinate post moves, assign the closest ambulance to calls and even assign accurate priorities to calls all from the cab of their ambulance. There is just no automated or structured system that could possibly be more effective or efficient than they are. CAD systems, structured response plans, ProQA and even AVL trackers have absolutely nothing on the natural abilities of these paramedics.
3) The Navigationally Challenged
This group can be particularly difficult to work with for both the dispatcher and their partners. While modern science has yet to specifically pinpoint the cause, it is hypothesized that the severe lack of map-reading or direction-identification skills can be directly attributed to a genetic learning disorder that has been unofficially named “Apple Maps Syndrome.” Signs that paramedics possess this disability include the inability to route to a call without using a cellphone GPS program, repeatedly questioning dispatchers on routing information and the rapid spinning of the map book in a circular motion.
Equal opportunity employment activist groups are currently working on proposals with the Department of Transportation to mandate replacing “North, South, East and West” with “Forwards, Backwards, Right and Left” in an effort to accommodate this group.
4) The Spin Cycle
This is the group that can be characterized by kicking up more dust on the scene than a helicopter landing. They immediately start yelling on the radio, pacing back and forth across the scene, and shouting random orders at the first responders. Make no mistake, this can occur at any call, not just critical ones.
Understanding inertia is key when dealing with this group. The best way to stop the spinning is to intervene early, either with a second unit response or a field supervisor (although field supervisors are not exempt from this group). If an outside force is not applied within the first few moments of the paramedic arriving on scene, then the spinning becomes far too powerful to stop. When this occurs, the only reasonable course of action is to evacuate responders and patients away from the scene and allow the paramedic to naturally wind down to safe enough speeds before re-approaching.
5) The Inquirer
This is a rather needy bunch. They can be identified by constantly asking dispatch for more information. The information requested can be as specific as the patient‘s age, specific chief complaint, location inside the residence, political party affiliation, known birthmarks, and their best friend‘s dog‘s name. More commonly, the request is something generic like: “Do you have any more information?”
Think of this group like a knowledge sponge…just eager to learn everything they possibly can about the patient before arriving on scene.
6) Darth Evader
The force is strong with this group, but not in a good way. Their natural ability to dodge calls rivals that of Neo bullet-dodging in The Matrix.
While many of their natural powers are still unknown, researchers have identified that they can teleport themselves to areas of completely backed up traffic, stopped trains, and on locations of the freeway that would require them to drive 4 miles in the wrong direction before being able to access the direction needed to head towards the call. Regardless of their position or the time of call, they can and will give a very detailed explanation of why they are not the unit with the best access.
7) The Hulk
This is a very scary and unpredictable group. These paramedics can literally go 8 hours without running a call and can still become completely irate when you set their tones. Like the “Spin Cycle” group, understanding inertia is important when dealing with Hulks. The only problem is, once angry mode is activated, there is no outside force than can stop it. They become stronger and angrier with every move, call, transfer or even simple piece of radio traffic that they receive.
Early phases of angry mode can be identified by sighing and speaking excessively loud and drawn out when responding to dispatch. Later and more critical stages are far more prevalent as they will throw in phrases over the radio that don‘t even make sense like “MEDIC 31 EN ROUTE ... MEDIC 31 SMASH!!”
