10 ways to survive on an EMS paycheck in the age of 9% inflation

I’ve got a classic good news, bad news situation. The good news is, I’m finally losing weight.

The bad news is, it’s because I can’t afford to eat.

At the rate inflation is going, I’m going to have my financial planner invest in Top Ramen stock. If nothing else, I know that I alone can keep them afloat as long as food costs keep rising they way they are. It’s gotten to the point that I do all my grocery shopping online, and put all the items on lay-away. Only three more payments, and that pork loin and ten pounds of chicken breasts is mine, baby!

Here are 10 ridiculous (and not-so-ridiculous) ways for EMTs to survive on an EMS paycheck in the age of 9.1% inflation.

10. Learn how to make $500 a week from your own home, in your spare time!

How do you do it? Well, I’m glad you asked! For just three easy payments of $19.95, you can enroll in my seminar entitled, “How to make $500 a week in your spare time by convincing gullible people to enroll in a seminar to teach them how to make $500 a week in their spare time!” Act now while supplies last!

9. Sublet your apartment

What’s that? You already have a roommate for your two-bedroom apartment? Easy, just make sure you and roomie work the day shift, and find two extra coworkers who work the night shift. You could split rent and utilities four ways, and you’d only see each other at shift change!

8. Work as a babysitter for your coworkers

I’m only half-joking with this one. We all know how difficult it is to find childcare for an EMS schedule. What better person to babysit than a healthcare provider who knows CPR? Best part of all? If you already use colorful language like a comma, you don’t have to censor yourself, because their parents probably do, too!

7. Raid the EMS room and the meal cart at the ED

No need to buy groceries; there are cartons of apple juice, dry turkey sandwiches and granola bars at the ED! A carton of Ensure is like a whole meal substitute. And they have pudding!

6. Rent yourself out as an emotional support EMT

Think about it, how many people out there need to hear, “No, you’re not that sick. No, you don’t need to go to the ER. No, you don’t have a sprained uterus. I don’t care what WebMD says, you’re a male and you don’t have a uterus.” Think of it as tough love for malingerers. If people will pay exorbitant sums for lifestyle coaches, nutritionists and personal trainers, why can’t we monetize showing malingerers the light? And think of the job satisfaction!

5. Sell a kidney

Hey, you only need one, and those things go for $10k on the black market. That’s like, what, two months of groceries and gas?

4. Become a CPR instructor

No, seriously. There’s decent money in it, you can set your own schedule, and teaching laypeople how to save lives is extremely rewarding. On the other hand, teaching BLS refreshers for fellow healthcare providers is a soul-sucking slog through a fetid swamp of entitlement and whining, but did I mention it’s decent money?

3. Become a contract medic

Seriously, there is a market for EMS standby in a number of settings, and the pay can be excellent. If you’re young and unmarried and don’t mind living a nomadic lifestyle, you can earn a great living as a contract medic.

2. Become a reverse stripper

What’s that, you’ve got an EMS bod built by fatigue, back surgeries and the fast-food diet? You think nobody wants to see that twirling around a pole? That’s your hook, baby. Start out naked and make ’em pay you to put stuff back on!

1. Start an EMS-themed OnlyFans channel

I’m not talking about naked bodies, I’m talking about people with great veins and Mallampati 1 glottic views, STEMI 12-leads and gnarly injuries. I’d pay good money to see that.

Got any good ways to stretch an EMS paycheck or earn extra money? Let us know in comments!