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Important memo from The EMS regarding influenza outbreak

This year's strain, the medialahooplatisis (media-la-hoopla-titis) is especially virulent

From The EMS Headquarters, Quantify, Virginia,

Feb 02, 2013

Subject: Influenza Outbreak, 2013

To: All Field Operatives

Attention All:

The yearly influenza outbreak is upon us. This year's strain, the medialahooplatisis (media-la-hoopla-titis) is especially virulent.

According to media sources, 34 states are inundated with influenza patients, with seven declaring medical emergencies and two under strict quarantine.

Press releases prompting the citizenry to seek medical treatment at sniffle onset has promulgated an increased need for Emergency Medical Services.

The following procedures must be followed to ensure public safety.  

1. Any and all patients who seek emergency transport to the proper facility for treatment of the flu while bypassing their own means of available transportation will be issued a summons to appear before the Director of The EMS Headquarters or surrogate once the acuity of symptoms has ended. Patient will immediately surrender self to "The Containment Cubicle," where he/she will spend 15 minutes with infected members of The EMS. Infected EMS crews are instructed to cough in direction of patient, sneeze upon patient and dribble snot wherever prudent.

2. Persons with mild flu-like symptoms, as determined by field operatives, will be issued a facial tissue with citation and fine imprinted on surface. Patient may blow nose with citation. However, fine must be paid in full within 30 (thirty) days or be held in "The Containment Cubicle" with two infected members of The EMS.

3. Old people and little people, and persons who are very sick, whose parents or caretakers are deemed incompetent by The EMS shall be treated kindly and transported to the appropriate facility.

That is all,

The EMS Director

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