The 2018 Winter Olympics kicked off February 9 in Pyeongchang, South Korea. While temperatures during the games are predicted to be in the negative numbers, most of us will be watching the spectacle while warm on our couches eating a cheese ball and drinking hot buttered rum, thinking, “Curling? Meh, I could do that. They wanna sweep some ice, they can handle up on the front walk to the ambulance squad bay. Now that’s a workout.”
So while those Olympic heroes do their thing, let’s show them what real heroes do during the winter months, in the Top 10 events of the EMS Winter Olympics:
10. Zipper races
So you’re outside shoveling the walk when the tones drop, and as ambulance tones are wont to do, they trigger that irresistible urge to void your bladder. We all know that EMTs never have to pee until they get a call, right?
Only this time, you have to shuck your gloves and work your way through a winter parka, a pants zipper and numerous layers of thermal underwear, all while desperately doing the potty dance. Gold medalist is the one with the dry pants and the relieved look on their face throughout the call.
9. Four-person icy driveway bobsled run
Sure, those luge, skeleton and bobsled racers can get to the bottom of the run in mere seconds, but gravity does all the work for them; all they need do is steer.
Try working against gravity, getting Mrs. Johnson to the bottom of her icy driveway safely.
Gold medalists experience the thrill of victory of getting Mrs. Johnson into the rig intact, losers experience the agony of defeat as Mrs. Johnson catches some serious air as she is catapulted off a runaway stretcher when it hits the curb across the street. On the bright side, they’ll be forever immortalized by having new company policies named after them.
8. Winter clothing gymnastics
Your patient is bundled in enough coats and sweaters to resemble Ralphie’s kid brother in “A Christmas Story” ... and you need to get a blood pressure and auscultate breath sounds.
Winners get down to bare skin before ED arrival, losers spend an hour picking goose down feathers from every crack and crevice in the patient compartment because the rookie cut something you told him not to cut.
7. ‘Are those the tire chains, or is that a cop desperately beating on the side of our rig?’ driving game
“Hey, you hear that noise? Is that someone screaming, beating on the side of the rig?”
“Nah, dude, that’s the tire chains. Besides, we’re doing 30 miles an hour. No cop can run that fast.”
*Checks passenger side mirror
“Apparently, this cop can. His parka sleeve is caught in the curbside compartment door.”
“Seriously? That’s pretty impressive. I bet he wins all the foot pursuits.”
6. Snow shovel coronary betting pool
It’s four hours into the first heavy snowfall of the year, and your squad mates are taking bets on when the first call will come in for a homeowner in cardiac arrest in his driveway. His tearful wife will be by his side, sniffling, “His last words were, ‘Dammit, this is the year we get a snow blower for this – urk! Gasp ... Thud ... ’”
5. Pairs figure skating … with emergency vehicles
You’re creeping along north, and the fire engine is creeping south, and you both have to turn onto the same side street which, unbeknownst to you, is coated in black ice. Your short program routine is to execute a perfectly synchronized double-axel/Salchow combination with a five-ton ambulance, ending up neatly parked at the curb behind the fire engine.
Style points will be awarded to the driver who manages to say, straight-faced, “Totally meant to do that.”
4. Modern EMS biathlon
Mikey the Meth Head is up to his usual tricks, babbling incoherently while making snow angels – naked snow angels – in the middle of the city park. Except, the streets haven’t been plowed yet, and there’s 400 yards of fresh powder 18 inches deep between you and him.
Your job is to ski to within range ... and shoot him with a ketamine blow dart.
3. Giant stretcher slalom
You’re working the bariatric rig today, and Mr. Powell – all 600 pounds of him – is having difficulty breathing. You have to negotiate his rickety stairs and winding sidewalk, weaving between abandoned appliances and derelict cars buried under three feet of snow in his front yard to get him to the rig.
There are no medals awarded for this event, because there are no winners. But we’ll all buy you a beer after the shift, because we’re all profoundly grateful we weren’t assigned the call.
2. Curling, EMS style
You’re the third-out crew, and your rig is the spare that stays parked outside. And now you have a call, but your windshield is frosted over. So you scrape furiously at your side ... and then slide the ice scraper across the windshield to your partner on the other side of the rig.
1. We’re status zero and our rig is broken down survival game
Your battery is dead and the rig won’t start, and you’ve been sitting at this post for four hours. Dispatch promises they’ll get a supervisor to you as soon as they can, but they’ve got calls holding all over the city. You’ve got plenty of energy bars and a thermos full of coffee, so you’re reasonably sure you won’t starve, but it’s starting to frost over inside the rig, and you can no longer feel your fingers or your feet.
And you look at your partner speculatively and think, “He’s almost as big as a Tauntaun, and he really doesn’t smell that bad ... ”
That’s all we have. What events do you think should be in the EMS Winter Olympics? Chime in with your comments!
