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Chicago — Researchers at several university medical schools announced today that they have been piloting a regiment of a new drug that, when taken under strict supervision, reduces the use of alcohol by almost 50 percent.
The drug is Restorivan, developed by Roache Pharmaceuticals. Originally designed to slow hair loss in male pattern baldness, researchers discovered that Restorivan also reduced the need by males in their 40s to imbibe large quantities of cheap beer during sporting events by as much as 47 percent.
Interestingly, the actual amount depended on whether the team was in a winning or losing position during the event; Restorivan’s effect was less when the subject’s team was ahead.
Researchers also found that the number of DUI arrests fell by 22 percent, and the number of assaults on fans dropped by a whopping 75 percent.
Additionally, the number of friendly exchanges between fans of competing teams went up, with bear hugs and high fives showing the greatest increase.
Researchers suggested Restorivan could be placed into a community’s drinking supply, similar to fluorine.
While they caution against expecting the same results in the general population, the scientists indicated that there was a possibility of curbing overall alcohol use.
There are side effects to Restorivan use, including dizziness, a small increase in Dull Personality Disorder (DPD) and a reduced need to urinate or flatulate.
Other side effects included a reduction of falling in high-gravity areas and trips to see the porcelain god.