By Susie Crosby
We had a difficult call today. You know I can’t go into details, but I can tell you that it wasn’t easy and it hit me hard.
Being part of an ambulance crew can put some pretty unpleasant things into view. I’ve seen trauma ... “blood n’ guts” ... and death.
I’ve honestly been surprised by my whole reaction to it all ... or lack of reaction. Sometimes it actually bothers me that I’m not bothered by it more.
While I do have a rather strong stomach and I am a bit of a trauma/training junkie I just chalked it up to a sort of disconnect for the purpose of self-preservation. It’s an ability to do my job in controlled chaos.
Sometimes the hardest calls aren’t the ones we might think. One particular call that stuck with me didn’t end in death and didn’t involve any gore. But it was an event that would change a young life forever. It’s the one I think about that tears at my heart the most.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the human element that gets me. It’s doing everything I can, bringing all the different aspects of my training together, performing to the best of my ability and I still can’t direct the outcome.
Those calls make me sad. They frustrate me and they make me feel vulnerable.
My first response isn’t to walk away feeling proud that I’ve done all I could. It’s to walk away thinking of any possible way I could have done better.
While it’s not a warm and fuzzy feeling, it is a necessary feeling, and one that hopefully will benefit the next patient and make the next call go more smoothly.
I believe the Good Lord makes the ultimate decision as to which patient makes it and which doesn’t. He also gives us the skills and the privilege to make the process a little easier.
About the author
Susie Crosby is an EMT-Intermediate in rural Oregon, mother of seven and lives on a small hobby farm.