Be sexy. It's not enough for you to know it, unmarried males 18-35 with disposable income need to know it, too. That means you look your best on shift, and never have bed hair or dragon breath.

So ladies, whenever you can, show off your cleavage. Nothing says, "I am a caring and highly trained professional" quite like dangling your décolletage in your male patient's face while you check his pupils. Next time you really need medical control orders, nothing works quite as well as a seductive purr over the radio that makes the doctor feel as if he should be paying $3.95 a minute to hear you ask for a dopamine drip.

Never do transfers. Hollywood medics only do 911, baby, and they all work for the fire department. Moreover, Hollywood medics only get the good 911 calls. They never get sent to ingrown toenails 5 minutes from shift change, or asked to take a dialysis patient home from her appointment.

So next time the dispatcher sends you on a transfer or minor emergency, refuse the assignment on the grounds that such mundane calls are not worthy of the television drama that is your life.

Afterward, you'll have all the free time you need to make your way to Hollywood and try to get hired at one of those fire departments. Don't forget to have them forward your unemployment checks.

Talk to your patients. I'm not talking about explaining procedures to them, or obtaining a history, or offering reassurance. Heck, everyone does that. No, the Hollywood medic will grip the patient's hand and urge them to fight, don't give up, and hang on sweetie, you're gonna be okay.

If you don't do that, they'll have no reason to wake up from their cardiac arrest, gaze up at you gratefully through tear-filled eyes, and whisper, "Thank you." Which brings us to...