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Home > Topics > Weird EMS News
October 31, 2011
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The Ambulance Driver's Perspective
by Kelly Grayson

Top 10 Signs Your Dispatcher Hates You

If you've ever wondered if your dispatcher is an evil genius bent on breaking your spirit, here are a 10 ways to tell if your dispatcher hates you

By Kelly Grayson

Disclaimer: This column is not meant to be disparaging to dispatchers. I love dispatchers. They’re wonderful people. I especially love MY dispatchers. They're handsome, articulate, and they smell nice - even over the radio. In fact, they’re the best dispatchers in the whole darned world. Especially if they’re reading this.

I've always held the opinion that there are three types of EMS dispatchers.

Type A dispatchers are the pleasant but benignly incompetent ones who screw you over by accident. Getting mad at them doesn't work, because bless their heart, they're also too dull-witted to recognize sarcasm over the radio.

Type B dispatchers are the malevolent geniuses who have thoroughly mastered your agency's deployment and dispatch system. They can simultaneously field a dozen calls and keep track of all their units, play solitaire on the computer, and eat a combo burrito without spilling chili on their shirts. When they screw you over, it is with malice aforethought. You anger a Type B dispatcher at your peril.

And then there are the Type C dispatchers. They combine the best qualities of Type A and Type B: they're pleasant, funny, supremely competent, and they take care of their ambulance crews…

… but they all work the other shift.

I had occasion to make that observation to my partner the other night after she groused that dispatch seemed to be treating us as if we were the only ambulance in the parish. We got one call after another, sandwiched between innumerable post changes. We put 250 miles on our rig, and never left town.

I explained to her that we were dealing with a Type A dispatcher, because invariably the Type B dispatchers have enough seniority to avoid the night shift.

If you've ever wondered if your dispatcher is an evil genius bent on breaking your spirit, here are a 10 ways to tell if your dispatcher hates you:

 

All the other crews get posted in clean, well-lit locations with good Wi-Fi signals. You, on the other hand, get posted behind the spooky abandoned building that looks suspiciously like the Bates Motel. But the people you meet there are so… interesting!

Whenever other crews make a wrong turn, the dispatcher is watching the vehicle tracking display, and notifies them promptly with a course correction. You get notifications, too… written ones, routed through your supervisor a few days later.

You notice that, in addition to the Drivecam, your ambulance is fitted with several more tiny cameras that all point outward, to let the dispatcher know when you get out of the rig for a meal.

You discover a proximity sensor in your pager that automatically notifies dispatch whenever you get within 12 inches of a large amount of porcelain – like in a toilet or urinal. And yours, it turns out, are on a 30-second delay.

You pay a visit to the dispatch center to schmooze and bring donuts, and you notice that the ENTER key on your dispatcher's keyboard has been relabeled PUNK AMBULANCE 506.

While other crews seem to get the easy standby assignments like rodeos or drag races or the prolonged hostage standoff that takes all shift, you get the Golden Acres Convalescent Home bingo tournament and senior Olympics.

Other dispatchers have small personal touches of home at their consoles: pictures of family, inspirational sayings, small plants. Your dispatcher has a voodoo doll that looks suspiciously like you.

You notice that odd background noise you hear whenever you are given a posting assignment is the sloshing of a Magic 8 Ball.

Other crews and their dispatchers socialize on their days off. Your dispatcher's kids toilet paper your house every weekend.

When the Emergency Department gives you a heads-up about two upcoming long-distance transfers, and you volunteer for one of them… dispatch gives you the incontinent one with C. diff diarrhea and necrotic foot ulcers.

If you laughed at this Top 10 list, you've probably been tortured by a dispatcher in the past. If you didn't, you probably are a dispatcher.

But hopefully not mine!

Editor's note: Hey dispatchers! Think Kelly's missed the mark? Why don't you tell us all the ways medics annoy you in the comments below. Keep things civil, folks!

About the author


Kelly Grayson, NREMT-P, CCEMT-P, is a critical care paramedic in Louisiana. He has spent the past 18 years as a field paramedic, critical care transport paramedic, field supervisor and educator. He is a former president of the Louisiana EMS Instructor Society and board member of the LA Association of Nationally Registered EMTs.

He is a frequent EMS conference speaker and contributor to various EMS training texts, and is the author of the popular blog A Day In the Life of an Ambulance Driver. The paperback version of Kelly's book is available at booksellers nationwide. You can follow him on Twitter (@AmboDriver) or Facebook (www.facebook.com/theambulancedriverfiles), or email him at kelly.grayson@ems1.com.

Comments
The comments below are member-generated and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of EMS1.com or its staff. If you cannot see comments, try disabling privacy and ad blocking plugins in your browser. All comments must comply with our Member Commenting Policy.
Gina Houx-Kotarski Gina Houx-Kotarski Tuesday, July 23, 2013 11:01:03 AM Jeff Turner A, B, or C?
Alex Donnelly Alex Donnelly Thursday, July 25, 2013 11:36:22 PM I like 10 and 6 hehe.
Kim Nelson Kim Nelson Thursday, July 25, 2013 11:51:25 PM I can't screw anybody over if I wanted to. Too many rules I have to follow. I have to send the closest unit. No getting around that one. I do what I can to take care of my crews but I'm not getting written up for anyone.
Stuart Ardern Stuart Ardern Friday, July 26, 2013 1:38:39 AM as I tell my crews out on the road, no way could they do my job as a dispatcher due to the ammount of coffee we consume in an air con office and the crews just wouldn't feel right finishing on time, they always like to finish late, muhaaaaaaaaaaa.
Christopher Blundred Christopher Blundred Friday, July 26, 2013 1:46:11 AM Haha.... You know us all so well mate!!!
William Grist William Grist Friday, July 26, 2013 2:03:28 AM good posting stuart,,,,but if I were you, I would let someone else open post for a while,,,,lol
Monica Filkins Monica Filkins Friday, July 26, 2013 5:43:33 AM I've been on both sides of the fence and they celebrated when I went back into the car as I was the black cloud of the night shifts. The dispatchers now have various experience to the oldest of old ways and the newest to new ways and there is no happy medium. But, true to form, you piss one off and you pay for it forever - on purpose or not. lol
David Sena David Sena Friday, July 26, 2013 7:28:43 AM Having worked both side of the steering wheel, I agree, especially with the creepy places for posting.
Jane Baier Warren Jane Baier Warren Friday, August 09, 2013 9:13:06 AM Just had my little giggle.
Charlie Sharon Charlie Sharon Tuesday, August 13, 2013 4:19:53 PM Attention Crews - Try Ben Franklins LOL.
Joyce Heckman Wigginton Joyce Heckman Wigginton Saturday, September 07, 2013 5:57:37 AM Love especially number 6 as we also have a Medic Unit 506. I am definitely a B type dispatcher! LOL
Jodi Dickey Jodi Dickey Wednesday, December 18, 2013 1:52:36 AM Alright, alright...some if these pertain to us... It's called tough love!
Steven Kanarian Steven Kanarian Wednesday, December 25, 2013 4:35:50 AM I always looked at dispatchers and field crews as the right and left hand that pick up patients together. My favorite dispatcher is Mr. Phil 847, he gets it. A partner once told me, "don't get stressed, they are just a little voice in a box. Answer the radio and do the job."

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