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The Spoof
by The Spoof

New 'proactive' paramedicine program to bring the big bucks

EMS providers walk around town, improving their own health and saving gas

By EMS1 Staff

NEEDMORE, Texas - The city of Needmore has instituted a groundbreaking community medic program, and expects revenues to soar as a result. It's called proactive paramedicine, and it aims to generate EMS demand rather than just waiting for it.

Beginning Saturday, August 23, and continuing indefinitely, the Needmore's medics will canvass the city’s streets on foot looking for persons in need of assistance.

“There’s a lot of people who need help out there, and don’t even know it,” said city spokesperson Nina Lleno d'ella from her office at city hall. “What if McDonald's waited till someone 'needed' a hamburger to try to sell them one? They'd never move a Big Mac! We can bring the resources right to the person's doorstep, whether or not they asked.”

Needmore officials expect calls to 911 to remain steady, but much needed revenue should increase by 212% as a result of the new program.

“It makes no sense to have these EMTs hanging around, waiting for somebody to get hurt or have a heart attack, when there’s plenty of revenue producers on every street in the city,” said the city's financial analyst Ester Bromeando. "Also, by taking the expense of running and maintaining vehicles out of the picture, it’s a win-win for the city.”

“Many of our medics are out of shape, and the walking will do them good,” says Needmore EMS Chief Fred Santanas. “We’ll be saving lives on both sides of the fence.”

When asked how the city will transport patients, Santanas replied, “That’s why we have busses and taxis.”

About the author

"The Spoof" comedy section brings together fake, fictitious and entirely made-up "news" articles by the EMS1 team of staff writers and columnists. Want to get creative? Send us your news story satires to editor@ems1.com!
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